After being married for a while, many couples find themselves in a situation where one partner feels angry, hurt, and/or resentful toward the other.
They feel that they’re the only one who’s made sacrifices for the relationship, that they gave up their dreams, so that their partner could succeed.
Is it possible to overcome these feelings of resentment and move forward to have a loving and caring relationship?
Watch this short video
All The Things I Gave Up…
We often choose to ‘give up’ certain things in our lives for the ones we love.
They don’t force us to give them up, and because of this, it’s not fair to blame our partners, or anyone else, for the decisions that we make or for the things that we choose to give up.
Making sacrifices for those we love is a very admirable thing to do, and most of us do it because we want what is best for our loved ones.
Of course ‘give up’ is an interesting, and often misleading, phrase to use when referring to something in a relationship.
What ‘give up’ really means is that we’ve chosen to do something (or to not do something) in order to make our partners happy rather than to make ourselves happy.
Then we try to blame them because we’re unhappy with our decisions!
Parents are particularly notorious for this one, often saying things like, "All the things I gave up for you, and this is how you repay me!"
We did not ask our parents to change their lives or to give up their dreams for us, and yet many parents somehow blame their children for their own misery.
How Silly Is That?
We all make decisions every day that determine how we live our lives and whether or not we pursue our dreams - whether or not we’re happy.
Happiness is a choice.
We are not victims of circumstance, though many of us would like to believe that we are. If we were victims of circumstance then we wouldn’t have to take responsibility for our own lives. How convenient…
On the other hand, if we actually do take responsibility for our decisions and our happiness, then we have to own up to the fact that we are ultimately responsible for our own misery as well.
Unspoken Expectations
What normally happens in a relationship is that the moment we make decisions for the good of our partners rather than ourselves we create certain expectations for how our partners will react as a result of our ’sacrifice’.
Essentially our partner’s positive reaction to our self-negating behavior is the very reason we make those kinds of decisions in the first place.
These ‘unspoken’ expectations can include all kinds of things - from a small recognition (such as a simple "thank you") to an overwhelmingly positive response (such as complete attitude change).
From our (the sacrificer’s) perspective, we’ve chosen to give up certain things or ideals so that our partners can have what we perceive they want and need.
Often times we don’t even ask our partners if this is what they want and what will make them happy!
So when our partners don’t respond in the way we expected them to, we get angry and resentful and wonder why they didn’t keep their side of the bargain.
That’s not really fair to them, now is it?
So rather than basing our happiness on our partner’s actions or reactions, we should take responsibility for own happiness starting right now.
Take Responsibility For Your Own Happiness
Here are some questions you should ask yourself.
What else will make me happy right now, in this moment?
Identify what’s missing from your life and what will really make you happy. This is not about your wife, your children, your boss, or anyone else. This is about you looking inside your own heart.
Don’t worry about what others might think or say. Ask yourself what would truly make you happy.
There’s a book called "The Passion Test", that can be very useful in helping you identify what’s missing from your life and what will really make you happy. I highly recommend purchasing this book and actually reading it.
The only way you’ll ever be happy with yourself, or be able to have a happy and loving relationship, is to own up to your own happiness - to take complete responsibility for it, and to recognize that true happiness starts from within.
YOU OWN IT!
Anal sex… Some people love it. Some people are disgusted by the mere mention of it.
So is it really a special treat, or a very dangerous game that should be avoided at all costs?
The answer depends on who you ask and what their sexual preferences are. It’s not your place to judge another person nor is it another person’s right to judge your sexual preferences.
Watch this short video
Possible Complications Caused By Having Anal Sex
First, understand your anatomy. At the lower end of the bowel, there are two distinct circular bands of muscles called sphincters, one is located about an 1 ½ inches above the other. These clamp down tight to prevent the passage of feces or gas.
The mucous membrane which lines the rectum is not as heavy as the lining of the vagina, so it can tear quite easily, and it does not heal as quickly as the inner walls of the vagina. Because feces, loaded with bacteria, pass through the rectum any tears in the mucous membrane are vulnerable to infection.
The vigorous thrusting that may occur during anal intercourse can tear the mucous membrane.
What Can Happen If The Membrane Tears?
Tears in the mucous membrane of the rectum can develop into anal abscesses that can become infected.
Also, if your partner has any sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), then you could get infected through these tears.
Examples of sexually transmitted infections are: gonorrhea (treatable); venereal warts (treatable if external, difficult if up in the rectum); syphilis (treatable); herpes (treatment, no cure); yeast infection (treatable); and HIV and AIDS (treatment but no cure).
You do not want any of these STI’s.
Other Potential Problems Associated with Anal Sex
Some doctors claim that hemorrhoids (piles) could result from vigorous anal sex, and although I have no medical research to support this, I have heard people say that the rectum "gets sloppy", meaning it stretches more than it otherwise would.
However, I am dubious. If anal "sloppiness" was true, why wouldn’t this happen as a result of regular bowel movements? Since there is no definitive research on this, I’ll leave it up to you to decide how you feel about this.
Should You Have Anal Sex Anyway?
Well, according to Sue, the best prevention is to not go there at all!
But if you do decide to try anal sex, she suggests that both you and your partner talk about it and agree on the following points. And we absolutely agree with everything she says in this list.
* Your partner must be very, very gentle, absolutely no forced penetration and no vigorous thrusting.
* You must use lots and lots of good lubrication, (anal lube, not saliva).
* Your partner must use a condom…all the time, every time.
* Your partner must respect "stop". If you say ouch, or it hurts, or No or quit… they must stop immediately.
* It must be understood, if you do not want to have anal sex again, there will be no pressure, no threats and no pleading. NO means NO.
* Use a well-lubricated condom without spermicide, either on the sex toy or his penis. Spermicide can irritate the rectum.
* Never shift from anal sex back to vaginal sex without changing condoms. Feces can end up in the vagina and cause infections. And please wash your hands with soap and water after handling the dirty condom or you could still spread infectious material.
Just How Risky Is It?
Just How Risky Is It?
The problems that Sue mentions in her article are definitely possible, but not necessarily probable…
Like smoking, the risks are lower if you do it less often.
Chances are you’re not going to get lung cancer from smoking one pack of cigarettes. And as long as you’re careful when having anal sex, the chances of running into the problems that Sue mentions in her article are greatly reduced if you do it very carefully and only occasionally.
Keep in mind that the rectum is designed as an "out hole" - not an "in hole". Our advice is that if you are going to have anal sex, be very gentle and take it very slowly, use lots and lots of good quality lubrication, and save it as the occasional treat.
Don’t make it a regular activity that you do every day. Save it for special occasions.
Is It OK For Me To Talk My Partner Into Trying Anal Sex?
Like Sue, we get lots of questions from men wondering how they can "talk their girlfriend into having anal sex". She adamantly says that you should never try to convince your partner to have anal sex.
We think it could go either way. We all use the art of gentle persuasion a hundred times a day to convince our kids to clean their rooms, to convince our husband to take out the trash, to talk ourselves into going to the gym when we don’t always feel like it.
Persuasion is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we need a little encouragement to move past our fears and overcome our shyness.
We do, however, want to stress that no one should ever be forced or pressured into doing any sexual act that they’re not 100% comfortable with and willing to do.
Do not confuse gentle persuasion with force and coercion!
Talk to your partner, and figure out works well for both of you. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties involved - anal or otherwise.
