Dear Ellie: I'm 43 and in a serious relationship with a lady who's 39. I've never been married. She's separated with one teenage daughter. One of my closest friends is female and previously rented a room in my house. We'd never dated. Now my current lady-friend thinks it's wrong that I have a female best friend. She's jealous, though my former tenant is at school in a different city and we only sporadically e-mail or phone each other. Meanwhile, though I rarely mention this friend, my girlfriend will regularly bring up her ex-husband and incidents/events they shared. This bothers me somewhat, but not enough to mention it. I'm her first boyfriend since she separated two years ago and I'm honest about my past relationships. How can I assure her that I'm committed to her without having to end a valued friendship?
Struggling
Dear Struggling: Your girlfriend is a "newbie" to singlehood, unfamiliar with the common pattern of longtime singles, to create a "family" of trusted friends. She's bounced from a long marriage to a serious relationship and, having a daughter, hasn't experienced much "alone" time when she needed platonic friends of the opposite sex. Explain the difference to her, and that family-type friends are not a threat to a committed relationship, any more than her ex should be. However, if her jealousy comes from insecurity carried over from her marriage, then she may not be ready for an intense new connection. In that case, you'd both be wise to cool your relationship for awhile.
Dear Ellie: My husband of one year is a night owl who's unable to wake up before noon. He works from home, starting his workday from 1 p.m., stops at 6 p.m. to spend the evening with me, and continues his day's work until 4 a.m. while I'm in bed. Our sex life suffers because I rarely get to spend a night with him. He sleeps in until 2 p.m. on weekends, while I'm up at 10 a.m. He's tried to adjust to my schedule but has always fallen back. I think he's lacking self-discipline and it's affecting our relationship.
Cold Bed
Dear Cold Bed: Countless shift workers have learned to deal with the problem of different sleep schedules in a family, and so can you two, if there's willingness for negotiation and compromise on both sides. Couples who actually want to have sex usually find a way. Since you don't mention children, it appears that the evening hours spent together offer time for romance. Throughout time, however, if you work regular hours and/or plan to raise kids, he must adjust enough to be a partner in the home. So far, you both sound like individuals who don't want to budge at all. Now that you've spent the first year of marriage each trying to win on this conflict, it's time to start working out an acceptable plan toward a new schedule and mutual tolerance.
Dear Ellie: My colleagues say that the office coordinator badmouths me. I have a senior job but depend on this woman for arrangements that affect my comfort level. Do I tell her off or let it lie?
Agitated
Dear Agitated: Some people use their small area of power to put others down. Disarm her with appreciation for the actual work she does, and by being clear about any of your needs that involve her. If the nastiness persists, say directly that it's unacceptable. Next, report incidents to her supervisor.
Dear Ellie: My husband of 25 years has been going to massage parlors during his lunch hour. He says it's only for massages and not for sex. I don't believe him. He'd agreed to stop but I soon found he hasn't. He's emotionally controlling and money-minded yet spends on massages. I'm forced to pay the mortgage and our son's education loan. Do I leave him?
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: Your first move is to alert him to how seriously hurt, disappointed and angry you are. Your next move is to see a lawyer and learn your rights regarding the mortgage and the loan. You may find he's not thought about this while being massaged every day or that he's carefree because he's set up these debts with you as the responsible party. Accurate information will help you form your next move if he doesn't stop "parlor-hopping" - either to stop payments or boot him out.
E-mail Ellie at ellie@thestar.ca.
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