A few months ago, I was talking to my new sex partner about what I liked in bed. “I like it a little rough,” I said, “You know, some hair pulling and some smacks on my butt while we’re having sex.”
He sat and pondered this and said, “Have you ever been bent over someone’s knee and spanked?”
Shocked, I exclaimed, “No!”
“Do you wanna try?” he offered.
I stared at him in astonishment.
He smiled and gestured at his lap. He wanted me to assume the position – right now!
My first instinct was to say no thanks – it was silly and weird! But then I reminded myself that I’m a self-proclaimed “trysexual,” so I decided to give it a go.
I lowered my pants, eyeballed him, then draped myself across his lap. He went slow, but he spanked me until my cheeks were pink. And they weren’t the only thing glowing. Turns out I liked it.
National Fetish Day
So how do you go about exploring BDSM and fetishes?
Everyone Has a Fetish
First, you have to come to terms with the fact that everyone is a pervert. That’s right – just like how everyone poops, every adult you know is secretly harboring their own brand of kink. Some never utter what truly excites them out loud. Some never share it with their partner. The poor dears are afraid of freaking people out.
It would be nice if there was a national coming out day for fantasies, a day where every person would put it right out there on the table and acknowledge their turn ons, As in, “Hello, my name is Lucy, and I have a thing for werewolves.” (At this point, my list of kinks looks like a dinner party grocery list.)
Believe me, even the most conservative person has something that titillates them. They tend to feel more ashamed and repress the feelings even more, then take it out on other people. This makes them seem mean, but really they’re just scared and frustrated. A nice spanking would probably do them wonders.
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, How Does Your Fetish Grow?
I’m a big fan of taking baby steps. If you have a partner, plant a little seed and then back off. Don’t tell them, “I want to host an orgy.” Instead, say something like, “Wouldn’t it be hot if there was someone over there in the corner watching us have sex?” or “I think watching two girls kiss is completely sexy – if you had to pick a female celebrity to make out with, who would you choose, honey?”
Until your partner is more comfortable, always include them in your fantasy scenario. If you don’t, they will feel threatened and alienated. You want them to feel like they’re a part of this intimate thing you are sharing, a partner in crime, if you will. Be patient with them – give them time to digest the idea, and slowly up the ante when the timing seems right.
It’s even better to own up to your kinky fantasy if you’re single, and here’s why – you have the opportunity to put it out on the table from the beginning, which is a lot easier than springing it on someone later.
Yep, I challenge you – on the second or third date, tell her that you like wearing women’s underwear. Tell him you used to play Burglar with your girlfriends during sleepovers. This has worked wonders for me. Oh sure, I’ve scared plenty of people off, but I didn’t fake my way into a relationship, which pretty much dooms its chances of being a happy, open and honest situation.
Are You Ready to Come Out?
Sure you are! You can start by going online and searching for the things that turn you on. The one thing I’ve heard over and over again from loads of people is: “Thank God for the internet. I’m not the only one.” Join an online community – it feels great to be able to let down your guard and talk openly about what you like, even if it is anonymous.
Next, try it out on a trusted friend, the kind of friend who would pick you up at 3am if your car broke down, or bring you a care package of cold syrup and cough drops if you were home sick fighting a monster cold.
Finally, share it with the person you are closest to – you know, the one you live or sleep with. I hear a lot of people claim that they married their best friend, but a best friend in my book is someone you can share EVERYTHING with. As in, no secrets. So just do it already.
A Invaluable Tool
Not able to pinpoint exactly what gets you excited? That’s understandable – you’ve had to keep a lid on it for as long as you can remember. A great way to find out what you like (LOVE!) is to fill out a BDSM checklist. You can find several versions on the internet, but the ones I’ve seen have been limiting or incomplete in my opinion. So I’ve created my own ultimate BDSM fetish checklist. You can easily copy and paste it into a word processing program, or print it out.
Take your time filling it out, chip away at it. Your first pass through it will not be the most accurate. A great next step is to have a friend or your partner fill it out, then compare them. I guarantee when you see someone else’s, you’ll want to go back and add to yours, or change some of the answers to be more honest. (You might also want to fill it out again in a few months and see how the answers have changed.)
How does yours compare to theirs? Are they similar? Are they opposite? If you’re comparing to your partner’s list, how can you incorporate some of these new ideas into your routine? For instance, who knew that you both had a thing for latex? This calls for a trip to the party supply store! Or medical supply store, depending on the kind of latex.
Yes, your journey towards bringing out your inner pervert has begun – congratulations! You’re replacing society’s blindfold and gag with a kind that is much more rewarding and fun.
That’s right, acronyms aren’t just for the office anymore – it can be a regular alphabet soup in the bedroom, too.
I’m talking about BDSM - the ultimate antidote to vanilla sex.
Sure sex feels good on its own, but have you ever thought about taking it up a notch, pushing your boundaries? Do you have any freaky fantasies that might be ready to leave your head?
Prepare for a challenge – get off your butt and onto your hands and knees, grab a candle to light the way – but don’t forget to let some of the hot wax drip on your sensitive flesh…
What does BDSM stand for, anyway? The interchangeable initials stand for:
Bondage & Discipline / Domination & Submission / Sadism & Masochism
Let’s expand on the first four now, because S&M deserves an entire article of its own.
As you read through the list, pay attention to your feelings.
Which concepts intrigue you the most and inspire you to place an ad on a fetish site, or buy your partner a pair of shiny steel oiled handcuffs?
Bondage
I can’t remember if my first exposure to bondage was watching the Wonder Woman television show or receiving pink and green paper Chinese handcuffs in a party favor bag, but I know that both of those things had me daydreaming of lassoing that boy who always ran away from me on the playground, or tricking him into being my slave for a day because I had him trapped by his fingers.
Bondage is incorporating restraint into lovemaking.
It’s giving yourself over to the pleasure and entrusting yourself to your partner. Being tied up can feel scary, relaxing, embarrassing, arousing, intense…The sky’s the limit with the emotions that can come into play.
It’s also a great way to utilize neckties now that they aren’t worn in the workplace much anymore. I’m always pleased to visit a friend’s house and see colorful neckties affixed to their bedposts - it’s a sure sign of a healthy sex life.
These days I’ve graduated to nylon rope, which is easily obtained at hardware stores. More discriminating folks in the lifestyle opt for hemp rope, which is available online and in sex shops in a variety of colors.
Discipline
Thank you sir, may I have another?
Discipline is the use of rules and punishment to control the behavior of someone else. A rule can be as simple as not allowing someone to say “thank you” for the evening, and if they transgress, punishment ensues.
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the word “punishment”?
Spanking, perhaps? Oh sure, I love a good classic like spanking, but punishment needn’t be physical. BDSM can be extremely creative, not to mention mental.
I have my own personal list of punishments that I like being "forced" to do. Plus my partner is always good at keeping me on my toes. Or on my knees…
Domination/Dominant/Dominatrix/Dom
Also known as the Master, Mistress, Boss, or Top.
A Dom is in charge, gives orders…
A Dom is in charge, gives orders, calls the shots and administers the punishments.
But he or she has to have the right balance of kindness and meanness, kind of like that tough love you hear about when it comes to parenting teenagers.
An example of a good Dom move would be giving the sub a good smack on the rear, then tenderly kissing the sting away.
Does it sound like the Dom can do whatever the hell he or she wants? Think again. Ultimately, the play session is limited to what the sub is willing to do. Communication is king, so discussing ahead of time what is on the sexual menu and what is off limits is critical.
Important note: Being a Dom is not an excuse to be a jerk.
Submission/Submissive/Subordinate/Sub
Also known as the slave or bottom.
Now this is my specialty. I’m a caseb sook submissive – I like being told what to do and get off on being “used". I also like rules-and-punishment mental mind games and serving my Dom.
A sub might toy with being humiliated. Penetration is a big part of being sub. Some subs expect pleasure in return, while other submissive’s only goal is to pleasure their Dom. This is more slave-like behavior.
For me, it depends on my mood. Sometimes I like to see how much pain I can take – I get a sense of accomplishment after a particularly intense session, and I look forward to building up my tolerance. Sometimes I endure an unpleasant experience, such as getting my face smacked or being called dirty names, and find it doesn’t sit well with me at the time it’s happening.
Only later after having a chance to analyze it do I find it to be arousing. It’s like peeling the layers of an onion, right down to the tears you might shed. Intense!
Switch
Some people are only comfortable in one of the roles – Dom or sub. But some people can assume either role, depending on the mood or setting.
Versatile, these are the same folks who do well at large parties and small gatherings, who don’t mind driving or being in the passenger seat, or can watch super-dude action films and chick flicks.
I used to think I was pure sub, but the other night I accidentally stumbled into a “Dom for a day” situation where my partner told me he was at my disposal. I was surprised to find I liked shoving his hands above his head and having my way with him. Who knew?
That’s the beauty of BDSM – it’s a fascinating way to explore yourself and your partner through a perversely intimate power exchange, a way to turn reality upside down and own it on your own terms.
The key to making the dynamic work is trust. Yep, BDSM is like one big trust fall.
Are you ready to let yourself go?