The messages we receive about sex from our parents, the media, and our educational, social, and religious institutions tend to be contradictory, and often downright false. One way to combat the lies we’re told about sex is to start cataloguing them. Below is a very incomplete list of some of the biggest lies we’re told about sex.
Sex is genetic: It’s the puppet-master and we’re lucky to be getting our strings pulled now and then.
Because procreation is tied to our species survival, evolutionary scientists and pop psychologists alike argue that the most important understanding of sexuality is the one that links our sexual behavior to procreation. Thus we are told that male sexuality is voracious and dangerous, that female sexuality is a side effect of the need for women to have babies, and that the psychological, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sexuality are not as important as the genetic ones.
There is clearly a genetic component to sex, but that doesn’t mean that this is either the most useful, or “truest” perspective from which to think about our sexuality.
Sex is natural and simple: You should just know how to do it.
Sex is natural, we’re told, because we have to do it to survive. But this doesn’t accurately describe what human sexuality has become. Intercourse may be instinctual for some (but clearly not all) of us, but sexuality is much more than intercourse, and none of it actually comes easily. It’s it strange that we are taught how to perform most other basic human behaviors (how to eat, how to communicate, how to go to the bathroom) and as we get older we learn the more complicated ones (how to read, write, drive a car, work) and yet we’re just supposed to know how to have sex.
Sex is gender: Men are from sex-crazed Mars; women are from soft and romantic Venus.
This lie takes many forms:
* Women just want to cuddle, men want to have raunchy sex.
* Women are sexual communicators, men can’t talk about their sexual feelings.
* ”Real sex” takes place between a man and a woman.
* Men and women can’t ever be friends, sex always gets in the way.
* Men want sex all the time, and women don’t.
* Men are more visual than women when it comes to sexual arousal.
All of these are variations on the big double-shot sex lie: That sex is 100% tied to our gender, and we are all only one gender. The fact is that how we think about, feel about, and actually have sex is infinitely more complicated than which door we walk through in a public washroom.
Sex is spontaneous: Don’t talk about it, just do
it.
When you think of it, this lie about sex doesn’t make any sense. If sex is meant to be something fun and exciting, something that makes you feel good about your body and yourself, makes you feel loved and attended to, why would planning for sex ever be a bad thing? Wouldn’t it actually be nice to know you’re going to get to have sex at the end of a particularly hard day? Yet we’re told that the most exciting sex is the sex that “just happens”. In reality, sex rarely “just happens”. It’s true that many couples never talk about sex beforehand, but that doesn’t mean that one (or more likely both) partners aren’t thinking about it, wondering when they’re going to have it next, and fantasizing about what kind of sex it will be.
Bigger is better, more is better…better is
better.
These statements are true for some people, some of the time. The specific lie we’re told is that these things are true for everyone, all of the time. In reality people have size preferences that change depending on their mood and what sort of sex they want to have. Similarly, we all have different levels of sexual desire, and these levels can change throughout the month, and over the years. Finally, there is a more contemporary lie that tells us we should always be reaching for better sex, trying new things, pushing ourselves and our partners to attain new heights of great sex. Some researchers have pointed out that this competitive attitude can have the opposite effect, making us anxious and on edge about the sex we’re having.
Sex is special: It’s a rare transformative moment that only comes once in a while.
On one hand, it’s true that sex can be transformative and that some of us don’t get to have sex as often as we’d like, but on the other hand, sex is an incredibly common and regular occurrence. Yet many of us are raised to think of sex like it’s a non-renewable resource that’s about to dry up. If instead we put sex in its place among all our other activities of daily living and all the ways we communicate with the people around us, we might have a lot less anxiety about how we’re doing it, when we’re doing it, if we’re doing it right, and who we’re doing it with. Sex doesn’t need to be treated with kid gloves, it can take it, if we start to dish it out.
We can make it on our own: Sexual agency is the same as sexual independence.
We can thank the mostly positive influence of the women’s movement on sexual expression for this subtle lie.
What’s true is that we all have a right to sexual agency -- to experience sexual pleasure on our own terms, think sexual thoughts, and have sexual desires separate from those around us. But the silent lie is that sexual agency equals complete independence. In truth, none of us are completely independent from those around us, and we rely on others in ways few of us acknowledge. Among the few people who have managed to really figure this out are folks living with disabilities who require assistance with regular daily activities. When you rely on others for some form of help, it becomes very apparent the way we are all connected. If you don’t, you can go through life imagining that you’d be fine without anyone around. Yet even masturbation, which is often fueled by sexual fantasy, requires some external stimulation (even if you’re only dreaming of the UPS guy or gal, they’re still involved to some extent).
There’s a right way and a wrong way to have
sex.
Whether we’re being told we have to do it with someone else (masturbation isn’t “real” sex), we have to do it with someone of the opposite sex, we have to do it in a bed, 2.5 times a week, or some other form of this lie, there are no lack of people who want to feed you the lie that there is only one (or two) right ways to have sex. The truth is that there are no rules (beyond age and consent) to how you can have healthy and fun sex. Whenever you catch someone feeding you this lie, call them on it.
Great sex is all about…
Is it about sexual technique? Is it sexual communication? Is it the “spark”, or the bed sheets, or the sex toys, or the weather system? Amazon lists over 150 books with great sex in the title, each one offering you an endless stream of advice on what constitutes great sex. It’s no lie that great sex can be had, but the lie is that one person’s great sex will be your great sex. Great sex probably isn’t like a great chocolate chip cookie recipe, which works best if you follow the directions to the letter. Learning more about sex can probably only add to your experience of good sex, but in the absence of any proof, I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that great sex happens in the way you uniquely put it all together, not in following a step by step guide book written by someone whose main goal is to sell you a book.
A postal worker delivered a nasty surprise to an elderly grandmother, exposing his erect penis while handing over her mail.
A court in Australia heard that Raymond Toa Vaele, 46, had been delivering a parcel to the woman when she invited him inside to put it down.
As he handed her a clipboard to sign for the item, the woman noticed Vaele's erect penis poking 10cm out of his shorts.
"He does admit that the shorts he was wearing were too short to be inside the house," Crown prosecutor Amanda Meisenhelter said of Vaele, who pleaded guilty to one count of doing an indecent act.
Vaele, a father of four who worked as a sub contractor for the Australian Postal service, was sentenced to three years' probation over the October 23, 2006 incident inside the 62 year-old woman's Brisbane home.
The court heard the woman, who had been looking after her three young grandchildren at the time, waited until Vaele continued on his rounds before making a complaint.
He was eventually identified through delivery records and a photographic line-up.
Vaele's defence counsel, John Edwards, could offer no explanation for his client's behaviour, however a committal hearing over the matter has previously heard the incident may have been an accident.
"He didn't deny that it had happened," Mr Edwards said of the erection.
"He is ashamed and he is sorry."
Judge Charles Brabazon was less forgiving, however, after it was revealed Vaele - a devout Mormon - had been on bail at the time for attempting to kiss a 13 year-old girl and breaking into her home to leave lewd magazines for her to read.
In a victim impact statement tendered to the court, the elderly woman said she had felt humiliated, violated and was now left with a deep distrust of postmen.
"It may be embarrassing for you, but it is disturbing for the people who are affected by it," the judge told Vaele.
"She was a widow at home alone.
"This was no passing event. It is something that has had a permanent affect on her."
Vaele may be ordered to undergo psychiatric treatment and counselling as part of his punishment.
Dimitrova from Bulgaria poses after she won the final of the 'Most beautiful bottom in the world' competition in Munich on October 31, 2007.
Participants bottom-off during the final of the 'Most beautiful bottom in the world' competition in Munich on October 31, 2007. As many as 42 finalists from 26 countries took part in the competition to win a modelling contract and 10,000 euros in prize money.
Contestants take part in the final of the 'Most beautiful bottom in the world' competition in Munich on October 31, 2007.
Contestants take part in the final of the 'Most beautiful bottom in the world' competition in Munich on October 31, 2007.
Dimitrova from Bulgaria poses after she won the final of the 'Most beautiful bottom in the world' competition in Munich on October 31, 2007.
Turning yourself on with some tongue action is nothing new. But can what you put in your mouth truly affect your sex life?
For centuries, humans have been fascinated by supposed links between certain substances and one’s sex drive, sexual performance and sexual desire. Yet only recently we’ve really been able to confirm what actually works and why.
While there’s no magical meal plan for easily enhancing sexual pleasure or attaining orgasm, you definitely can impact your sexual energy by incorporating certain ingredients into your diet. So here are a few do’s and don’ts when it comes to what to put in your mouth.
Main Courses
I’m a big fan of fish oil. This isn’t simply because I’m Icelandic. I take two tablets every morning because there are so many health benefits. So I was delighted when I learned that animal and human studies show that fish oil raises dopamine levels in the brain.
Why should you care about dopamine?
This hormone not only is good for one’s cardio health and in combating depression — factors that can affect one’s sexual gusto — but this neurotransmitter triggers lust. Dopamine can stimulate the release of testosterone, your hormone of sexual desire, as well as focus your attention and motivate you, quite possibly with none other than your love!
So in planning your three meals of the day, shoot for foods that contain the active, effective ingredient in fish oil — the omega-3 fatty acid. Sure, you can, like me, pop a tablet or two of fish oil daily, but it’s much more fun to serve up something tastier, like salmon or tuna, which I also eat weekly.
(Note: You want to avoid fried fish since often it is cooked in oils high in omega-6 fatty acids, which cancels out the effect you want).
Not much of a fish fan? Other foods, with saturated and monounsaturated fats, that can raise dopamine levels to some degree include shellfish, poultry, wild game, free-range beef, snails, avocado and dairy.
These foods also are great because the fats they contain increase total testosterone, boosting libido and the ability to reach orgasm. Still, the easiest, cheapest and safest way to consume large amounts of EPA and DHA — the two omega-3 fatty acids in fish oil helping your game — is to pop a tablet or two of fish oil daily.**
As not to kill your healthy eating efforts, make sure to avoid cooking your foods with trans fats and polyunsaturated fats, including vegetable oils such as soybean, safflower and corn. Instead, use monosaturated fats including canola or olive oil when cooking.
Side Dishes
Side dishes are the perfect way to get the vitamins and minerals you need to be a sex machine. Vitamins are a must since those with low sexual libido generally suffer from a nutritional deficiency.
Iron deficiencies, for example, can play into an individual’s sex life, affecting the energy needed for lovemaking. This issue can be nipped in the bud with some of my favorites — basil or arugula. Just be sure to avoid side dishes that can act as a depressant on your system, particularly starchy carbohydrates such as white breads and potatoes.
Now, when cooking up any of the aforementioned main courses and side dishes, be sure to flavor them with a couple of wonderful key ingredients:
Garlic — With its "heat" said to stir sexual desire, garlic releases allicin when chopped or otherwise "damaged," increasing blood flow to the sexual organs when consumed.
Chilies or black pepper — Basically, anything spicy can invite physiological responses that mimic human sexual response, e.g., raised heart rate. They can make you feel aroused, even if that’s more of an illusion than anything.
(Foods rich in zinc are particularly good for men. Pumpkin seeds and oysters are ideal for very sexually active men. High in zinc, these foods are crucial to men’s health, helping them to replenish that loss through frequent ejaculation.)
Dessert
While sugary treats, like honey, can give you a quick, short-lived energy boost, the best dessert you can serve yourself or your love is that of dark chocolate.
Marrena Lindberg, author of "The Orgasmic Diet," recommends up to half an ounce of high-quality dark chocolate per day, since its chemical compounds increase dopamine levels. I’ve read elsewhere that other forms of chocolate also can give your love life a wee bit of a boost since this romantic sweet contains three substances that flood our brain with chemicals, making us feel happy when we eat it.
The theobromine in chocolate boosts endorphin production, giving your body a high. Its two other compounds — anandamide and phenylethylamine (PEA) — may further have sex-enhancing effects, though research has yet to prove this.
A study out of Italy’s University of Vita-Salute San Raffaelle found, however, there was no difference in sexual arousal or satisfaction between women who consumed chocolate daily than those who did not nibble on the sweet.
Not being much of a dark chocolate fan myself, I totally understand the need for other desserts from which to choose. Figs are scrumptious, sweet and particularly good for women in that they are a good source of iron, magnesium and zinc.
Juicy and sensual peaches are packed with vitamin C. Pistachio nuts also are good for you since they contain the amino acid arginine, which has been shown to improve sexual function in men and women by improving genital circulation.
Just make sure to stay away from sugary and starchy carbohydrates and desserts with trans or hydrogenated fats, e.g., margarine and vegetable shortening.
Beverages
Hands down, the best thing you can do for yourself when it comes to what you drink is to stay hydrated with water and to drink natural beverages rich in vitamins, such as orange juice or V8. I suck down a yummy organic and probiotic Synergy drink daily for its restoring effect and nutrients (plus, I love its fizzy, tart flavors). Yet, there are other beverages humans have been known to dabble with when it comes to sexual arousal.
Whether it’s coffee, tea, colas or cocoa, people have reached for drinks containing caffeine for their stimulating and antidepressant effects, yet some warn it’s better to stay away from such beverages.
Their argument: Caffeine acts on one’s brain serotonin levels like a trampoline, causing sharp spikes in this neurotransmitter, which offset the sexual impact of dopamine.
Still, research has found caffeine can be a bit of an aphrodisiac. A University of Michigan survey of more than 700 couples aged 60 and older found that those who drank their java daily were likelier to describe themselves sexually active (62 percent) versus those who did not (38 percent). It is believed that caffeine’s antidepressant effect may lend to its sex-stimulating effect.
So when it comes to your "sex diet," make sure you’re being mindful about what you’re consuming. Keep foods in moderation and balanced. More than anything, experiment in finding out what works for you, since our nutritional needs are individual. Further, work with your lover in exploring the different foods and drinks that can impact both of you in your quest for better health and sex.
** If you’re on a medication that interacts negatively with aspirin, consult your physician before consuming fish oil supplements. Both fish oil and aspirin are anti-inflammatory substances that thin the blood.
In-the-Know Sex News…
— Condom-push at Carnival. Health officials in Brazil have announced they will distribute 19.5 million condoms during the country’s five-day Carnival. It is hoped the effort will reduce the spread of sexually transmitted infections, including HIV. Not everyone is thrilled with the government practicing prevention, however. Church officials are opposed to such condom distribution, fearing it will "encourage orgiastic behaviors." About 600,000 Brazilians are living with HIV/AIDS.
— Newly homeless at higher risk. A study out of the new UCLA AIDS Institute finds that homeless youth who have been away from home for up to six months are likelier to engage in risky sexual behavior if residing in non-family settings, such as abandoned buildings, the streets or a friend’s home.
Males who were tracked were likelier to have multiple sex partners if they lived in settings without relatives and abused drugs. Drug abuse was the primary predictor for risky sexual behavior for females. Such behaviors are being linked to a lack of social support and supervision.
